Recently, I had the opportunity to take getaway and enjoy the Miami sunlight and water. As a water sign, I am extremely calm and free around the water. The waves allow me to think clearly and reflect as often needed on things, perspectives, views, and LIFE. Plus being away from life always allows you to view things differently.
At the prime of my life, I find myself in a place of stress, disconnect, anxiety, conflict, and misery. I know…horrible adjectives, but it’s the truth. I have truly lost control of my ship and feel like I am on the Titanic.
Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, will say that I love people. I love to see others smile, I love to see them happy, thriving, succeeding and living their best life, but at 30, I have realized that I have forgotten to want and have all of those things for me. I find myself alone, with no friends, no true outlet, and quite bitter on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong…I do have friends, but I have allowed the weight of the world, and the potential judgements of others to make me run and isolate myself from people and create distance that places me on one side of the equator and everyone else on the other. I have allowed the standards of this world to make me stray away from my own uniqueness and originality. It’s quite hard to believe being that I encourage this for others, yet I have fallen short of my own happiness.
While sitting on South Beach, I realized that I have been unable to fully embrace the opportunities that God has given me because I have failed to fully explore them. I have missed out on career advancement, friends, potential love, and much more because I am too concerned with what others may think or say about the choices that I make with my own life. I immediately began to feel stupid. I began to feel trapped and it was as if I was suffocating. I really am ashamed of this reality because it’s the mere opposite of who I am as a person. I love life, I love differences, I love and seek diversity, and I believe in people being happy no matter what. I am complexed. Extremely complicated at times but my recipe for happiness has always been these seven things:
1. I believe the God sacrificed his only begotten son, so that I may have a chance at life. I accept Jesus Christ, JC, as my Lord and Savior. I will never place no other God before God as I know that He is a jealous God. Honor thy mother and thy father and thy days shall be long;
2. Treat people the way that I want to be treated;
3. Forgiveness should be given even when it’s not asked for;
4. Do right and right will follow you (I mean it doesn’t happen instantly, but continue to do right and it will come);
5. Live everyday as if it is your last because tomorrow may never come;
6. No sin is greater than another sin; and
7. Interpretation and true meaning may often different. What you say may not always be what is heard; therefore, using caution when selecting words.
Yes, 7 is my favorite number. Can’t you tell, but these have truly always been my rules to life. I am flawed, who isn’t, but I am so tired of being concerned with what others may think about the choices and directions of my life. It is killing me slowly. I love hard, but in the mist of loving everybody else, Nichole has forgotten to love herself. I never shop only for me. I never plan to do something only for me. I always, always think of how something I may decide to do will affect others but no more. Of course, I will be considerate of others and respect people space and time as I value my own space and time, but I no longer will be consumed. If oil and vinegar doesn’t mix well. I no longer shall try to make it. Make sense? Hope so.
This way has caused me to become unhappy. It has caused me to no longer care about what I want and think and feel. It has caused me to shutdown in situations where I should be more open, and lastly it has caused me to hide several critical things, thoughts, and opinions about myself because I don’t like conflict and I don’t like to have people at odds…but what happened to agreeing to disagree. What happened to people saying well that isn’t for me, but if you like it. I love it. The world in turmoil, but I shall no longer be who I have been it’s miserable this way.
As a 30 year old fully independent woman, I done with seeking approval when in the end the only approval I need is God. I am sure this may come off to some as oh you got the big head, but no I don’t. I have years of misery. I have years of hidden pain, and years of not being who God sacrificed His son for me to be.
In recent months, I lost my uncle. I lost someone who I can say was hisself. I reflected on his life while at the beach, and I found this theme: My uncle loved people, but he did love himself, and he did what made him happy despite it all. He lived his life. I have to do the same.
When I think about the people around me who are the most happiest. It is because they are living there life. They are doing them, and when I think about Fantasia song, Doing Me, or Mary Mary song, Go Get it, or TK -N- Cash song, Mind Right.. the theme is I have to do me. I have to be me. I have to live for me. So as of August 1, Nichole is doing that. I hope my choices in life don’t make anyone else unhappy, but I can no longer be unhappy to save others face, happiness, etc.
I have never been so clear of what I have to do than I am now. As I said in a post a few days ago. I am at a fork in the road. I have to go left or right, but I can’t continue the path that I am on.
So, for anyone who may read this and can relate…please please please be happy. Life is too short to care about what others may think or say. It’s too precious to waste it on being unhappy. I encourage you to remember those who have been there for you, no matter differences of opinions. As long as you know the man up above, and you know that your choices are not to hurt anyone else, but instead to live the life that God sacrificed His son for to to have…be free! Do you. Go get it…but mostly importantly get your mind right. It is the only way that you can be happy!
Happiness is my quest!!!
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